A few pointers and general etiquette for air travel

I would like to make a list of basic do's and don'ts of air travel. Or maybe just a list of don'ts. Basically it's a list of things that annoy the hell out me. I just can't help it. My job is super easy and I should have nothing to complain about, but what fun would that be! We all know how I like to make fun of random, unsuspecting strangers and I have the absolute best job in the world for it. So here it goes...

1. Don't try to strike up a random conversation with a flight attendant about their job, work schedule, base, etc. PLEASE do not ask "So is this your normal route"? For me a route has only meant 2 things in my life: 1. My address until I was 6 or 7 years old was Route 1 and I still have no idea what that meant. I guess the mail car route. 2. In college I always got a Route 44 strawberry slush and would add half a fifth of Aristocrat vodka to it before numerous sorority functions, sporting events, nights out, etc. Also if you happen to be in a small podunk town such as Harlingen or Lubbock, please do not ask "So is Lubbock your hub or base"? Sometimes I won't even answer such a retarded question. Does the Lubbock airport (which is the size of my old dorm room) look like it could be a flight attendant base for the largest domestic airline? NOPE. Didn't think so.

2. If you can't lift your carryon bag above your head, then check that S.O.B. If you can't lift it then what makes you think that I can? I can barely sling my big ole bag into the overhead bin much less mine plus 137 passengers. Sure throwing my shoulder out of whack from lifting your bag would be cool for a little while (time off of work, painkillers, etc.) but when my disability money runs I will hunt you down.

3. Please, Please, Please do not poke me for any reason. If I walk past you with a trash bag and you were not quick enough to put your trash in the bag, do not poke me to try to get me to turn around. I will just poke you back to see how much you like it. Just be patient until I walk by again. I promise we will come through the cabin more than 1 time to collect all of your trash items.

4. If we fly over a body of water, city, or mountain, please do not ask me what we just flew over because I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE. I will just make up something.

5. Do not hug me and tell me that it was a great flight (this really happened to me 2 days ago. a guy hugged me really tight and i nearly flipped out). I do not know you and therefore you do not have permission to touch me unless you are a super hot guy or really rich, but if you're really rich then you have no business flying commercial because you should be traveling on your personal jet.

To be continued...