Weird Things I Found in Sky Mall

Life's a beach--SOAK it up!For the 'big kid' in all of us, now the same footed pajamas you loved when you were a child are available in adult sizes!
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A unique gift idea--perfect for pre-teens, teens, and adults!

I don't even know how to express how I feel about this.

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Are these people serious?

Giddyup! Core Exerciser

Get all the strength-building benefits of horseback riding without leaving your home. Giddyup! Core Exerciser simulates the motions of horseback riding, causing muscles to involuntarily contract and relax as you balance and stay upright.
This reflex action tones your core muscles, and strengthens your lower body, including the thighs and buttocks, while also increasing metabolism, improving balance and correcting posture. And the best part is, there's practically ZERO effort on your part. All you do is sit and enjoy the ride!

Is this strange or is it just me? I love the last sentence.

Really Random but Funny Story

My past posts seem to have a slightly negative tone but I really don't mean for them to be THAT negative. I guess I just need to vent sometimes...ok all the time. But I have a really funny story about something that happened to me a little over a month ago in St. Louis.

First of all, we got into St. Louis a little late and I was tired...go figure. We got to the hotel and the pilots asked if we (the flight attendants) would be joining them at the bar. I said maybe, one girl said no, and the new girl said yes. I didn't want the new girl to go by herself so I agreed to go with her. The four of us were double fisting beers because the bar would be closing soon. After 4 beers the bar had last call and the captain ordered us another round. We leave the bar with 2 beers in tow and head up to the new girl's room to finish them off. The 4 of us are sitting around talking and drinking (it's around 2am) when there was a knock at the door. The captain opened the door and there was a girl standing outside. She asked if it was Johnny Knox's room. The captain thought she was another flight attendant so he let her in. As soon as I saw her I knew immediately that she was not a flight attendant because she never would have made the sizing requirement (your weight must be proportionate to your height). She kept asking if we knew Johnny and since we didn't the captain called the front desk to ask what room he was in. There was no Johnny Knox in the hotel. The girl said, "Well he told me his name was Johnny Knox and that he was in room 444." UH OHHHH. I knew immediately what was going on. She met a random guy and he lied about his name, hotel, and room number. But that wasn't it...she was a hooker. A real live prostitute. She was also a "dancer". She told us all this a few minutes later. She said she was from Florida and that she was in town for a few days visiting a friend. She said she was supposed to "dance" that night but figured she'd make more money if she gave good ole' Johnny a visit. Also she explained that she's not officially a stripper yet because she doesn't know how to work the pole just yet. The captain opened his fat ass mouth and told her that we lived in Las Vegas. She got really excited after she heard that, after all, Vegas is the MECCA for hookers, whores, and 'stutes. She told us that she's supposed to move there soon. Her best friend moved there a few months ago but she hasn't actually talked to her in a while because "she got real bad on meth." Ok, that was her cue to leave. The captain escorted her downstairs to a cab so she could go back to the Days Inn, or maybe she went to dance since Johnny stood her up.

Now what are the odds that she knocks on room 444 and there are actually 4 people awake and drinking in that room at 2am? Why do things like this always happen when I'm around? What have I done to deserve this!?

Do's and Don'ts of Air Travel Continued...

6. Don't scream into your bluetooth, cell phone, headset, or whatever your communication device may be as you are walking into the jetway or plane. I always hear the same conversations (I'll use CAPS to emphasize volume)..."HEY. YEAH. CAN YOU HEAR ME? YEAH I'M GETTING ON THE PLANE NOW. YEAH WE SHOULD BE ON TIME. YEAH. YEAH. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN WE GET THERE. YEAH THEY'RE MAKING ME TURN OFF MY CELL PHONE NOW. OK BYE. SEE YOU IN 2 HOURS. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I LAND. MEET ME AT BAGGAGE CLAIM." Now does the entire plane really need or want to hear you have that conversaton? I think not. What a dumbass. No shit you're on a plane. What else do you think this is, a horse and buggy? If you have that conversation in a normal voice thats perfectly acceptable and reasonable but don't think that because you're in an airplane that you have to speak 49598373 decibels louder.

I promise I really do love my job!

I spent the last 2 days in HELL!

I can honestly say that I've never been more exhausted. This past trip I was on was the craziest trip I've had in 2 years. It was an AM trip and I hate AMs because I have to wake up around the time I usually go to bed and when I get to the hotel I want to go to sleep. Although when I take a nap, I wake back up a few hours later and cannot go back to sleep! That is why I stick to PM trips but sometimes you have to do things even though you don't want to do it.

Let me begin by saying that some people may not understand why the things that happened on the trip were so bad but believe me, if you were in the airline you'd definitely realize how strange it is for all of these things to happen over the course of 2 days. First its the holidays so that means the majority of passengers that are flying right now only do so once a year. Air travel tends to bring the worst out of those people because they're usually in a rush to get to the airport, getting through TSA is a bitch, etc. Also weather delays this time of year are awful but especially this year. Portland, Seattle, Spokane, Chicago, and even Las Vegas have already had entire airport closures within the past 10 days. So by the time the passenger reaches the airplane, some are in a really bad mood and think everything is MY fault (of course it is, I control the entire universe in case you forgot) and the rest are just happy to get going to wherever it is they are going.

DAY 1 and CRAZY LADY #1
So my first flight on Sunday was completely full from Vegas to San Antonio. About halfway through boarding a Hispanic woman approached me to ask where she should put her bag (she was sitting on the front row and that means her bags must go in the overhead bin) because the bins were full. I told her that I would help her find a spot for what appeared to be her duffel bag. She said well it can't go overhead because my dog is in the bag. UH OHHH! We don't allow the carriage of pets, only service animals with proper documentation. This dog was defnitely NOT a service animal. After I looked at her duffel bag, not a pet carry case, I noticed the bag was squirming and I heard a yelping sound. I had to explain our policy and tell her she could not travel with us as long as she had her pet. How the agent didn't see a moving duffel bag that was barking is beyond me. The lady was mad at me because I messed up her vacation plans. Please explain to me how in the hell did I mess up her vacation plans?
What makes this day even worse is that I had to spend the night in Amarillo, TX. If you've never been there, DON'T GO! I thought I was reliving Urban Cowboy or something. It was a timewarp and it looks like time just stopped around 1981.

DAY 2 and ASSHOLD CAPTAIN, WILLOW ARTICHOKE WHITEWOLF, CRAZY LADY #2, CRAZY LADY #3
So flying with an asshole captain wasn't really a surprise since I was flying on a Monday morning. Its just kinda par for the course. Our first leg was to Albuquerque and when we get there we find out asshole captain was rerouted...YESSSSS! But shortly thereafter we figured out that scheduling had forgot to replace him with another captain...NOOOOOO! How that happened will forever remain a mystery. So basically that meant we got to board the plane, sit there for a few minutes, and realize that it will probably be another hour or so before we get one. NOT COOL. Being delayed on just your second leg of the day is not a good sign. So we find a captain and begin our second flight of five that day. What happened next is the highlight of the trip for me...and maybe just the highlight of my year. From Albuquerque to Phoenix to Reno I had the pleasure to meet Miss Willow Artichoke Whitewolf, a seven year old girl traveling by herself (what we like to call in the biz an unaccompanied minor). Her real name is Willow Whitewolf but she gave herself the middle name Artichoke because its her favorite vegetable. And since her favorite tree is a willow and her favorite animal is a white wolf, it only made sense to give herself the middle name Artichoke. Willow carried 2 stuffed animals, a cheetah and a t-rex both of which were vegetarians. She buckled them up safe and sound next to her. Over the course of the next few hours Willow proceeded to tell me about her "other" life. She was actually an escaped fairy from "Fairlyland". Well she was really the only fairly that was able to escape after the evil witch came to Fairyland. She was able to escape because of her powers, but in the process of escaping her wings became clipped so she's working on growing them back as we speak. She told me that the reason the plane was flying so smooth and why it wasn't going to crash was because of her powers. I graciously thanked her. I fell in love with Willow immediately after she told me this story but it actually gets better, believe it or not. A lady was sitting behind her and was implying that fairies needed to take naps, in other words she wanted Willow to shut up about being a fairy. Not cool. What made me like Willow even more is when she turned around, scowled, and growled at the lady, and said "Fairies don't sleep. I have too much work to do since I'm the only fairy that got away from the witch. I have to do all of my work plus the work of the other fairies." The lady said some nonsense and Willow just rolled her eyes. It was one of the funniest things I have seen, to witness a 7 year old get annoyed with a 45 year old woman. After the lady got off the plane in Phoenix, I asked Willow if she liked the lady that sat behind her. She said "No I don't like her. But I do like you so I'm going to keep you safe always. I can keep you safe in the plane and on the ground." I think of Willow now as my guardian angel! She was by far the coolest kid I have ever met.

After Willow left, things went downhill quickly. To cut to the chase, 2 mean, old, grouchy women boarded the plane in Phoenix. They definitely only travel once a year, if that. As I was making my opening announcement, I heard a bloody murder scream. I looked into the cabin and saw that a walking cane had fallen out of the bin onto both of the ladies heads! HAHAHAHAAAAHAA! Sweet. Of course I didn't laugh but I asked the meanest lady if she was ok and she kept grabbing her head and moaning. Whimp. So I got her some ice to put on her head. I checked on her again when we were ready to push back from the gate and she said she had shooting pains in her head. I could tell she was someone that was going to complain repeatedly and that she had overreacted for attention. Her daughter basically said the exact same thing. After she complained for the second time, I pulled her off the plane and made her receive medical assistance basically against her will. We rebooked her on the next flight and she was NOT happy. Her daughter begged us to just let her fly but I wasn't going to put my ass on the line for a mean old lady. Some other things happened but I don't feel like explaining.

So those were just the highlights of 2 days. Oh and I was attacked by a passenger this morning in the TSA line. He said I was crowding his space and threw his bin at me. I knew it was going to be a glorious day. I looked at him, smiled, and said "Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I hope you have a wonderful day!". He just stared at me in shock. I'm really glad that came out of my mouth instead of what I was actually thinking which wouldn't be appropriate to write anywhere.

So now I'm just trying to relax and hope that the next few days won't be as bad. I just keep smiling and as soon as I get to my hotel room I either cry or scream for about 5 minutes and then I move on. I can't wait until the holidays are over!

A few pointers and general etiquette for air travel

I would like to make a list of basic do's and don'ts of air travel. Or maybe just a list of don'ts. Basically it's a list of things that annoy the hell out me. I just can't help it. My job is super easy and I should have nothing to complain about, but what fun would that be! We all know how I like to make fun of random, unsuspecting strangers and I have the absolute best job in the world for it. So here it goes...

1. Don't try to strike up a random conversation with a flight attendant about their job, work schedule, base, etc. PLEASE do not ask "So is this your normal route"? For me a route has only meant 2 things in my life: 1. My address until I was 6 or 7 years old was Route 1 and I still have no idea what that meant. I guess the mail car route. 2. In college I always got a Route 44 strawberry slush and would add half a fifth of Aristocrat vodka to it before numerous sorority functions, sporting events, nights out, etc. Also if you happen to be in a small podunk town such as Harlingen or Lubbock, please do not ask "So is Lubbock your hub or base"? Sometimes I won't even answer such a retarded question. Does the Lubbock airport (which is the size of my old dorm room) look like it could be a flight attendant base for the largest domestic airline? NOPE. Didn't think so.

2. If you can't lift your carryon bag above your head, then check that S.O.B. If you can't lift it then what makes you think that I can? I can barely sling my big ole bag into the overhead bin much less mine plus 137 passengers. Sure throwing my shoulder out of whack from lifting your bag would be cool for a little while (time off of work, painkillers, etc.) but when my disability money runs I will hunt you down.

3. Please, Please, Please do not poke me for any reason. If I walk past you with a trash bag and you were not quick enough to put your trash in the bag, do not poke me to try to get me to turn around. I will just poke you back to see how much you like it. Just be patient until I walk by again. I promise we will come through the cabin more than 1 time to collect all of your trash items.

4. If we fly over a body of water, city, or mountain, please do not ask me what we just flew over because I HAVE NO FREAKIN CLUE. I will just make up something.

5. Do not hug me and tell me that it was a great flight (this really happened to me 2 days ago. a guy hugged me really tight and i nearly flipped out). I do not know you and therefore you do not have permission to touch me unless you are a super hot guy or really rich, but if you're really rich then you have no business flying commercial because you should be traveling on your personal jet.

To be continued...

Numero Uno

So this will be my second attempt at blogging. I started one a little over a year ago to give my family updates on things going on with my job but I lost my info and password (surprise, surprise) and I also got a little lazy. BUT so many things have been happening lately so I figured I would start a brand new blog to keep everyone updated and also give some pointers on air travel along the way. In my job I see so many random things and people. I see all races, hair colors, bad luggage choices, cute kids, ugly kids, annoying kids, annoying adults, etc. etc. I also hear many accents and things that I would never want to hear in my lifetime! But I love my job and everything that goes along with it. I would like to update this regularly but we'll see how that goes!